Devastation
by Evide
Summary: When something terrible happens, Kouichi reflects back on his life since the Digital World six years ago, and how he was used as a tool for the darkness...[inspired by Rika159's Kidnapped!]


Ok, this little ficlet is an idea spark from another story that I am helping beta'ing: "Kidnapped!" by Rika159. I have her permission to use this idea and she also helped me by beta'ing this for me. To fully understand what is going on here, you might need to skim over her story, but otherwise I think I have put in enough explanation for this just to be a story of its own.

Rika: Evide's story, which I will help with a couple ideas to give it flow.

Warnings: Mention of suicide and death. Dark, depressing thoughts. No harsh launguage, though.

Disclaimer: I do not own Digimon, Kouichi or any other characters mentioned.

Kouichi's pov. So without further adue, please enjoy...

_**Devastation**_

This whole time, ever since I returned from the Digital Adventure I shared with the five greatest friends anyone could ever ask for six years ago... No. Ever since I even entered the Digital World. Ever since I hit my head in the Shibuya Station, I have been a tool for darkness.

The recent incident is proof enough that a tool is all I am, a puppet; subject to be tormented my own inner hatred. And it all started that fateful day when I'd found myself in a completely new world, surrounded by the constant battle between good and evil. The Digital World. It is my most joyous memory, and my most sorrowful one, also.

This whole time, my life was only a pawn.

I've felt as if I have known that the incident was going to happen for awhile now. It was like, ever since I had returned from that world, I'd carried a constant dread. But, I couldn't tell anyone; I was too afraid. I didn't want there to be any worrying over nothing. But it turned out to be much more than nothing. The incident that I feared for happened. The dread that I've lived with finally revealed itself.

And I cannot do anything to stop it, now that it has begun.

I remember the first time I felt _him_; the one using me, his presence. I was dead when it happened. Or at least, I was dieing. _He_ had scanned me, taking away my life, and I have been dead to the world since, even though I live. I know it sounds confusing... But there is no other explanation for this half-alive feeling of being used most of my life. Anyway, the first time I'd felt him, he was saving me from death... Or rather, killing me. Again, it's hard to explain.

Lucemon had wanted me to live. For what, I have not known until now. I didn't understand it all up until the incident, and now I finally understand. I understand that I am only a puppet to do Lucemon's bidding. A toy for him to play with.

I feel Lucemon's presence constantly, accompanied by a deep, stomach-aching fear. Living life keeps him at bay, but lately I have felt dead, and so I feel his consciousness. I feel him especially in my dreams. For six years, I've lived with the most vivid dreams and nightmares anyone could have. Especially now as Lucemon's mind touches my own and I can see his memories, showing me the final battle against him. I saw Sunanoomon... and I knew I had to face the truth; they never needed me.

As the incident unfolds, I ask myself, what can I do? All my efforts to redeem myself of doing this awful thing are turned against me. I'm afraid... it is too late for me.

I could never undo what I had done. Or really, what Lucemon made me do. It was like, the whole time I could only watch as I did these things. I wish I could say I was not in control... but I was. Partly, anyway. I mean... I was manipulated. It was just like when Cherubimon had tricked me, only this time, my actions would affect three worlds, and I knew it. But, how do I stop myself? Every time I go into that trancelike state where I'm only half-there, I feel as if I am in a dream, victim to my own subconscious and not exactly knowing that I can do something about it. It's almost like knowing you'll doing something you know you will regret... knowing you can do something about it, but... still doing it. How do you stop that from happening?

I was always off doing things that I felt half in-control of. But... I don't understand why I do these things. I especially didn't want this incident to happen. I... I thought that maybe... maybe I was strong enough. That I had the strength to face the darkness. Or at least, that's how I felt when I had became Lowemon. I thought I could defend myself, that I could stand up to anything. I thought I was strong.

But I wasn't strong enough to face Lucemon. I couldn't help as he used me. I wasn't brave enough to tell anyone what I had done. I... feel so horrible for doing this. I feel dead. I can't do this...

I can't do this alone.

When I was freed of Cherubimon's manipulation my friends and my brother had forgiven me, helped me become a better person, even if all of my actions were my own as I was Duskmon. I'd had amnesia... but this time... this time I could remember everything. I could see what I was doing, I felt myself getting lost... then the next moment I'll wake up, head searing with pain.

Lucemon had wanted me alive. He wanted me to use as his tool, another puppet of darkness. That's all I was; a dog, doing his bidding. But I was never willing. I tried to fight back. I didn't want to do any of these things, I didn't want my life to only be a pawn for his twisted game. But in the end, I lost. I cannot deny the darkness. I've lost to the darkness in my heart. I've broken my promise, become dead to the world. I have become a slave, my only purpose. Lucemon used me, and that's all I'll ever be good for.

I felt helpless as the incident unfolded before my eyes. I had touched Lucemon's mind, saw his thoughts and felt shivers run through me as if I'd gotten out of bed and fell into a pile of snow. I felt myself getting lost, falling into his clutches. I watched as a portal opened up before me. A rip in the sky, opening like a gaping wound. I could hear the world crying out in agony, and I felt as if I myself had just torn open my own heart. Tears streamed down my cheeks as the dark, swirling mass of the portal opened and ripped against the sky. A portal to the Digital World... or really, two of them. Two Digital Worlds, colliding in on each other, and here I was opening a trap for them to escape through. I guess I really didn't understand it at the time... but later, digimon were streaming through the portal. Only, they came out only half-digital.

Because of the rip; the portal, someone has been taking the digimon that come from there to kidnap them. For what, I don't know... but it is all my fault that it was happening. I remember looking up into the sky, the gaping hole crying out. I had opened the portal. I remember feeling sick right after, and then black. My energy spent, I fell unconscious, waking up in the hospital, alone.

Mom wasn't there. Kouji wasn't there, either. I was in the hospital, the only thing there with me was my fear, my anger, my helplessness. I was really scarred. I felt so frightened to the point that I might puke. I have noticed the way my health has depleted rapidly just over these few days. My head is always pounding, but I couldn't tell anyone. I didn't need their pity any more than I needed my own.

I had lost to the darkness, betraying my friends. My only friends...

My brother.

I looked out of the window, hoping beyond all hope that it was all just a vivid nightmare, that I had passed out from a headache like I do sometimes now. But then I saw it; the portal that I had opened; my fear realized.

It hurt just to look at it, as if one could be drawn into it if one stared at it too long. Something that I had made.

I felt weak, I felt sickened to the point right before death. Despair overtook me, and I leaned against the window helplessly. I couldn't stand myself, I couldn't stand that I had opened the portal. Lucemon had made me open it, meaning he couldn't do it by himself.

Suddenly, I felt empowered. I feel angry, but to the point where I could finally do something instead of wallow in my guilt. How dare Lucemon use me as his puppet to hurt and destroy the things I love. Not anymore. I have to try to stop this, I don't care if I die trying; by life is worthless anyway, if all I am is Lucemon's slave. But that doesn't mean I can't wreck his plans for good. If I could somehow close the portal... if I died afterwards, Lucemon wouldn't have any way to open it again. He could be stopped long enough for everyone else to solve the problem.

I know that Lowemon and Jagerlowemon are here, somewhere. I know they must be under Lucemon's influence, too. They are apart of me, apart of the darkness. I have to find them... then I must kill them, if only to prevent them from being uses in the same way that I was to destroy life.

I left the hospital, not knowing how long I had been there, but no one was there for me, so there was no reason for me to stay. I left on an angered journey to redeem myself. I left to die trying to save this world, and the two Digital Worlds.

I left feeling only hatred. I hate Lucemon, I hate Cherubimon, I hate the darkness.

And I hate hatred.

---Owari---

I had to finish the fic in some odd way, though I don't particularly like how the end came out.

I felt obliged to post this because of both both Rika159 and another good friend of mine. This is dedicated to Rika159 for helping me with these thoughts and for believing in me, but mostly for encouraging me. Thanks for reading, and I'd very much apreatiate any and all feedback.


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